Single at a wedding: the new rules of wedding guest etiquette
With winter weddings on the rise it can feel like wedding season never truly ends. Traditionally, that means bad news for single guests - so EliteSingles decided to help out by writing a survival guide for single guests.
However, after surveying 3000 singles on their wedding etiquette opinions, we found out something interesting. Singles don’t need a survival guide at all. In fact, the rules of wedding guest etiquette may need to be rewritten, for being single at a wedding is no longer something to dread. For many of our users, it's actually something to celebrate.
5 new rules of wedding guest etiquette
Old rule: it’s kind to give all guests a plus-one
New rule: your guests are happy to fly solo
Engaged and married people’s ‘other halves’ get an automatic wedding invitation, but it’s never been a rule that single invitees must be allowed to bring a date. That said, it’s often assumed that it’s the nice thing to do – and that single guests will be devastated without the plus one option. This assumption is so common that even etiquette doyens like Martha Stewart often dish out advice on how to deal with the fallout and still keep the friendship.1
Yet, our survey revealed that the majority of singles don’t actually want a plus one invitation. In fact, far from being a must-have, 60% feel that including an ‘and guest’ on a single person’s wedding invitation puts too much pressure on the invitee to come up with a suitable date. Interestingly though, it appears that this attitude is something that comes with maturity: just 46% of singles under 30 would prefer to be without a plus one, compared with 58% of those aged 30-45 and 61% of those aged 45-60.
- Fast fact: 60% of singles don't think that plus-ones are a good idea
Old rule: women care the most about being single at a wedding
New rule: men feel a stronger need to find a wedding date
Classic romcoms like My Best Friend’s Wedding and The Wedding Date see women going to ridiculous lengths to find a partner who will ease their single-at-a-wedding anxiety. Then there’s likes of Wedding Crashers and Zac and Dave Need Wedding Dates, where men have the time of their lives at weddings – as long as they don’t have a date around to cramp their style.
But has this stereotype had its day? Our survey says yes! The truth is, if there’s one gender that’s more unfazed about being single at a wedding, it’s women. If given an invitation without a plus one option, 76% of women would happily go stag to a wedding, compared with 65% of men. What’s more, 23% of men would defy wedding guest etiquette rules2 and ask the matrimonial couple if they could bring someone along. Just 17% of women would do the same.
EliteSingles’ in-house relationship psychologist Zoe Coetzee says ''although being single at a wedding is not the touchy topic it traditionally was, the genders can still experience the ceremony differently. Women can view a wedding more as a communal celebration of love focused on the newly married couple. However, men can experience a wedding more as a competitive arena; the wedding environment increasing the instinctual drive to secure a partner, and raising the preference to bring a plus one to the party.''
- Fast fact: 23% of men think it's ok to ask the wedding couple if they can bring a date
Old rule: the singles’ table is something to dread
New rule: single guests actually appreciate the chance to bond
Strictly speaking, the singles’ table might have more to do with wedding tradition than etiquette, but that doesn’t stop it from a being a hot matrimonial topic. The loudest voices are often those who paint the idea of a singles’ table as dire, seeing it as awkward or synonymous with ‘misfits table’– and this is certainly the case in pop culture, with everything from Sex and the City to The Wedding Singer showing the singles’ table as the last place you want to be.
So should singles’ tables be banned? Don’t even think about it. Far from being a wedding taboo, 43% of people surveyed say it's actually the single-at-a-wedding tradition they’re most likely to enjoy (for context, the second most-liked tradition, being actively set up with other singles, only got 21% of the vote!). Perhaps this is because singles in the survey see the table as a romantic opportunity – something emphasised by the fact that 60% of men and 49% of women see a wedding as the perfect occasion to meet someone special.
- Fast fact: the singles' table is the #1 favourite single-at-a-wedding tradition
Old rule: make singles feel special with a bouquet toss or special dance
New rule: don't single out the singles – treat your guests alike
After the dinner and the speeches, you'll often hear the DJ calling all couples up for the couples’ dance. Singles don't take part, but get their turn in the spotlight when it’s time for the bouquet or garter toss. And, as they don’t have someone to dance with, they can partner up with an elderly relative or a tiny flowergirl, and everyone will be happy, right?
Well, according to the survey, perhaps not. The two least-enjoyed singles’ wedding traditions are being expected to be the one who will dance with the kids (disliked by 29%), and taking part in the bouquet/garter toss (disliked by 22%). In fact, aside from the singles’ table, any activity that marks out your single guests as different might need to be rethought, even that couples’ dance. For 1-in-3 singles (33%), watching the couples’ dance when you don’t have someone to dance with yourself is the hardest part of being single at a wedding.
- Fast fact: nearly a quarter of singles (22%) don't want to take part in the bouquet/garter toss
Old rule: if you bring someone with you, it has to be romantic
New rule: platonic friends make the ideal wedding dates
Formal wedding guest etiquette says that if you’re given the option of bringing a companion to someone’s wedding, you must take a ‘serious date’. According to Lizzie Post (the great-great-granddaughter of the famous Emily), friends, relatives, housemates, and new beaus just don’t pass muster – if it’s not a committed romantic relationship, it’s best to attend solo.3
However, modern predilections are at odds with these rules. If given a firm plus one invite, just 41% of those not in serious relationships would please Ms Post and choose to fly solo. The rest would bring dates – but they’d keep it casual. 33% would bring a platonic friend, 25% would pick a new crush or someone they'd just started dating, and 2% would look for a date online.
So, it would seem that the new wedding etiquette should appreciate the fact that today's singles think less formal wedding dates are ok. But do they still need to be romantic? Here, the gender divide again rears its head. For women, the best date is a platonic friend: 42% would pick a pal, and only 17% would take a crush or a brand new squeeze. For men, it’s very different: just 19% would want to attend with a friend, while 37% would prefer to take a crush/new flame.
Zoe Coetzee believes that this is because ''women may feel that taking a new date to a wedding can put too much pressure on a fledgling relationship, and accompanying a partner in the early stages of a relationship adds an added responsibility for the event. Whereas, men can see a wedding as a romantic occasion to kick off a relationship, with it being a beneficial platform to display social capital and enjoy the positive effect of a celebratory atmosphere.''
- Fast fact: 42% of single women think a platonic friend makes the best wedding date. Just 19% of men agree!
Singles at weddings may not love every activity that’s thrown their way. Yet, the stereotype of single people dreading weddings and scrambling to find a suitable date has had its day. The vast majority of singles are in fact happy to fly solo at a wedding, content to mingle at the singles’ table, and, when they do take a date, open to the idea of going with a good friend. Perhaps, in 2017, it’s time to rewrite the rules of wedding guest etiquette.