How to flirt online: master the secrets of magnetism

Woman using her tablet to flirt online

One of the great things about online dating with EliteSingles is that you can become part of a community of Kiwis who share your dating goals. You’re all online for the same reason – to meet someone amazing, who will be by your side from the first date to lasting love.

Of course, meeting that person isn’t just a case of snapping your fingers. To really make the most of online dating you have to be prepared to put the work in – and that requires knowing the ‘rules’ such as how to flirt online.

How to flirt online: use your offline skills

A playful touch on the arm. Laughing at someone’s jokes. Flicking one’s hair while maintaining eye contact – the tricks of body language flirting are myriad. But what happens when a computer screen gets in the way? Given that body language counts for some 55% of all flirting impact,1 how can a person have the same effect when they can’t be seen?

Dating expert Kimberly Seltzer (CEO and owner of EliteImageMakeovers) says that, ultimately, flirting properly is about having fun. Whether on or offline, “the same rules apply” and those Kiwis who want to flirt online should emulate offline scenarios and try to be light-hearted. She recommends: “be playful, engage, look for clues in the profile, subjects you want to talk about or share stories with.”2

Give it a go: In the offline world, a simple smile is sometimes all that is needed to start flirting. And it’s the same on EliteSingles. If you’re interested in someone, try sending them a smile to let them know you’re keen.

Turning it up a notch

Much like flirting in the offline world, online flirting starts with a smile. But that’s just to show initial interest – the next step is to send a message and start an interesting conversation. There are several ways to send a great first message – but those that want to get their flirt on should heed the advice of a Harvard University study that shows what people most enjoy talking about – and yes, you guessed it – it’s themselves.3

This means that, rather than feeling you have to lead the conversation, one can flirt by simply asking questions. Though this may seem counter-intuitive to those who consider flirting their chance to impress, the reward centres in our brain (which induce feelings of pleasure), are more active when we talk about ourselves. By asking your message recipient about themselves you’ll activate their reward centres, meaning that they’ll then associate this positive feeling with chatting to you.

Give it a go: Jo Barnett, a dating coach and author of Get A Date Now! advocates that, when messaging, users should, “Keep it short and confident; always be positive and flattering. Pick up something from their profile and comment on that.”4

Being yourself will pay off

Once you’ve done a bit of smiling and sent that first hello, you’re well on your way to really knowing how to flirt online. And that means you can spice things up a bit by injecting humour and personality in to your conversations. This, however, can be a tricky step to master. It can even be tempting to go overboard in an effort to stand out, scouring the internet for one liners designed to show off your wit, poise and charisma.

Yet, as Seltzer advises, there’s no need to try so hard. In fact, she advises that it’s the messages that seem ‘real’ that have the most impact: ‘’The more you come from a place of authenticity to start a conversation, the better off you are. That can make the other person feel comfortable as well.’’ She also points out that the best online flirting involves a little bit of teasing: ‘’engage in playful [messages] that elicit a teasing and fun interaction…use wit and humour. Keep it short and sweet, but enough so that person wants more.’’

Give it a go: To avoid over-thinking flirtation Seltzer suggests trying to ‘’be more playful, almost like a kid is. When two kids play together they don’t have this sense of being in their heads, they just go with the flow of what’s happening in that moment.’’ In other words, try and have fun – it’s the best way to get someone interested in the genuine you.

Knowing how to flirt online is really a matter of being good at conversation. When you ask someone questions about themselves, when you reply to their messages with honest, playful humour and when you use all the online tools at your disposal, you’ll be well on your way to acing your flirting game. And that means that you’ll be well on your way to your next great date.

Ready to put your skills to the test? Why not join EliteSingles today? Simply register here to get started.

If you have any questions about how to flirt online, please comment below or write to us at [email protected]

EliteSingles editorial, June 2015


1 Social Issues Research Centre. (Date unknown). ‘SIRC Guide to Flirting’. Found at

2 All Kimberly Seltzer quotes from an exclusive 2013 interview with EliteSingles. Kimberly Seltzer, dating and makeover expert, CEO and owner of EliteImageMakeovers

3 Tamir, D.I., and Mitchell, J.P. (2012). ‘Disclosing information about the self is intrinsically rewarding’. PNAS. Found at

4 All Jo Barnett quotes from an exclusive 2013 interview with EliteSingles.

About the author: Sophie Watson

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